Jokes

Our Favorite Joke collection:

Sign on trashcan: ``Empty when full''
Variation by JA: ``Close when open''
Q: What international catastrophe would happen if a waiter were to drop a platter during Thanksgiving?
A: It would be the downfall of Turkey, the overthrow of Greece (Grease), the destruction of China and the end of Korea (Career).
Q: How can a cowboy ride into town on Friday, stay two days, and leave on Friday?
A: His horse is named Friday.
Q: Why is "O" the noisiest vowel?
A: All the other vowels are inaudible.
Q: What question only has a ``No'' answer?
A: ``Are you asleep?''

Here is a proof that "Girls are All Evil":

Girls = Money x Time.
"Money = Time"
Therefore, Girls = Money x Money = Money² 
"Money is the Root of All Evil"
Therefore, Money = Square Root(All Evil)
Money² = All Evil
All Evil = Money² =  Money x Time = Girls
Therefore, Girls = All Evil

In America, everything is turned upside down: we drive in the parkway, but park in the driveway. What we call freeway is not free.
Lawyer Joke: Did you know that they no longer use rats for experiments in labs? They are using lawyers instead. There are three reasons: (1) Rats are getting scarce. (2) They found that the lab assistants often get attached to the rats. (3) They found that there are some things that even a rat will not do.
Q: What is the difference between a dead skunk and a dead lawyer on the highway? A: There are skid marks before the dead skunk's body.
After law school, Joe moved back to his hometown. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, and on the first day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk to his office. He decided to make a big impression on this new client. As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while saying, "No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than $1 million. Yes. The appeals court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument, and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details."
This sort of conversation went on for almost five minutes. All the while, the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay," he said, "but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?" The man replied, "I'm from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone."
Instruction for Christmas lights: for use indoors or outdoors only.
Playing tennis is like playing ping-pong, except you stand on the table.
Teacher: Please give me a sentence beginning with the word "I".
Student: "I" is ...
Teacher: No, say "I am..."
Student: "I" is ...
Teacher: You must never say "I is...". Please use "I am...".
Student: "I" am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
Teacher: Oooo.....ooh!!
A husband and wife got mad with each other and stopped talking. But the husband had an important meeting very early the next morning. So, before he went to bed, he left an note to his wife to wake him up at 6am. The next morning, he woke up, at 9am of course. Next to the bed, he read a note next to his bed. It said: "Wake up! It is now 6am"
This is no joke. It is the Hong-Yap receipe for persimmon soup.
STEP 1: Put a box of ripe persimmon into the freezer overnight.
STEP 2: Take it out and put on the counter overnight.
STEP 3: The persimmons should now be mushy and are easily peeled. Your cold persimmon soup is ready.
Note: this recipe was discovered on July 16, 2007, in KIAS, on Korean Constitution day. Hong discovered the step 1. Yap discoverd step 2. Step 3 came naturally.
K: What do Koreans call cabbage?
A: Pre-Kimchi
(Sep'09)
K: What could be Black, White or Gray, sometimes Green or Brown, but never Red, Yellow, Blue, Pink, Purple or Orange?
A: English last names
(Sep'09)
Two Hat Jokes:
Q: Why did the pilgrim's pants keep falling off? A: The buckle was on his hat!
A shark was angry with the octopus, and went all around the ocean looking for the octopus. Finally he say the squid, and said: Ha, I caught you! You think you could fool me -- now, take off that funny hat disguise!
In a debate with Stephen Douglas, President Abraham Lincoln was accused be being double-faced. He responded: If I had another face, would I be wearing this one?

Actual dialogue of a former Word perfect Customer Support employee:

"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a
little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord
goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the
wall."

".......Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables
plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other
cable."

".......Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of
your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's
dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from
the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still
have the boxes and manuals and packing suff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was
when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."