From time immemorial, college professors have used their websites as a way to pontificate about random things. I now present to you, dear reader, a ranking of the flavors of LaCroix (binned into five ranked categories):


⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐


picture of PassionfruitPassionfruit    
Like sticking an electrode in your passion-fruit neuron in your brain. What flavored seltzer should aspire to.
picture of Cerise LimonCerise Limon    
Don't overthink this one - it's just delicious.
picture of Key LimeKey Lime    
The correct lime flavor. Probably can double as paint remover if concentrated.
picture of PamplemoussePamplemousse    
Duh. You've heard of "smells like teen spirit", but have you heard of "tastes like millenial nonsense?"
picture of Peach-PearPeach-Pear    
Infinitely drinkable, sublime.


⭐⭐⭐⭐


picture of LimoncelloLimoncello    
The type of limoncello you can drink in the office. Wonderfully refreshing and delicious.
picture of PastequePasteque    
Naming things in French makes them classier: "Steak frites", "Pamplemouse" and now "Pasteque".
picture of Pina-FraisePina-Fraise    
Who knew that these went so well together. Who knew that you could achieve this flavor with natural essence.
picture of LaColaLaCola    
Take one coca-cola bottle candy, put in a gallon of water, achieve instant aquatic enlightenment. Unusual, rare.
picture of Pomme-BayaPomme-Baya    
I've always hated cranberries, but this passes the test.
picture of BerryBerry    
What berry? The uncertainty here is killing me. But who cares, it's delicious.
picture of TangerineTangerine    
I feel as if this and key lime are super-charged versions of orange and lime. Does this taste like a real tangerine? Who knows, it's a robust version of orange though.
picture of OrangeOrange    
An orange soda improved by subtlety.
picture of Hi-BiscusHi-Biscus    
A bold decision that broke the stale fruity stranglehold on normal LaCroix. I approve (in my personal capacity).


⭐⭐⭐


picture of ApricotApricot    
Tastewise a beige paint that's a little too shiny. Peach-pear is subtle; apricot is just a little too much.
picture of CoconutCoconut    
Like coconut cake but liquid. It's not for us to know whether that's a good idea or not.
picture of Melon PomeloMelon Pomelo    
Close but no cigar. Not sure where the melon comes in.
picture of Coconut ColaCoconut Cola    
Surprisingly inoffensive and drinkable but not clear what it has to do with cola.


⭐⭐


picture of LemonLemon    
Like Star Wars, Dune, or Koyaanisqatsi, which are cliche precisely because they invented the cliche. This one's boring though.
picture of LimeLime    
The "I mean, sure, I guess, if you want" flavor. Very much entry-level.


⭐


picture of Cran-RaspberryCran-Raspberry    
Yech, but I hate cranberry.
picture of MangoMango    
No.
picture of PurePure    
If you're drinking this, you've lost the plot.
picture of CubanaCubana    
What's up with the can? What's up with the flavor?
picture of Coffea ExoticaCoffea Exotica    
Like a bad coffee candy. The fact that it says Coffea makes me suspicious. Why can't they call it coffee?




The NYU Trustees may or may not approve of this ranking. But if you do, let me know (david.fouhey AT nyu.edu).