Some of My Favorite Quotes

Note: the quotes are roughly ordered by "topics", but the order of the topics is "random". In particular,
(a) higher on the list does not mean "better"; (b) the quote number can change when new quotes are inserted.
Current Count: 479

"What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?" (Doctor Who)

"Luck is where preparation meets opportunity." (Earl Nightingale)

"Chance favors the prepared mind." (Louis Pasteur)

"Adventure is just bad planning." (Roald Amundsen)

"The harder I work, the luckier I get." (Sam Goldwyn)

"It is bad luck to be superstitious." (Andrew W. Mathis)

"We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like." (Jean Cocteau)

"Absence of proof is not proof of absence." (William Cowper)

"Just because your are paranoid does not mean they are not out to get you." (Henry Kissinger)

"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." (Samuel Goldwyn)

"Not everyone who wanders is lost." (Tolkien)

"There are two kinds of light -- the glow that illuminates, and the glare -- that obscures." (James Thurber)

"We cannot hold a torch to light another's path without brightening our own." (Ben Sweetland)

"Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing." (Wernher Von Braun)

"My theory is that if you look confident you can pull off anything - even if you have no clue what you're doing." (Jessica Alba)

"Science is the belief in the ignorance of experts." (Richard Feynman)

"Science is what you know. Philosophy is what you don't know." (Bertrand Russell)

"It is completely unimportant. That is why it is so interesting!" (Agatha Christie)

"Philosophy: A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing." (Ambrose Bierce)

"Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules. Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives." (Unknown)

"In theory, there should be no difference between theory and practice, but in practice, there is." (William T. Harbaugh)

"Theory is important, at least in theory." (Keith Martin)

"There is nothing more practical than a good theory." (Kurt Lewin)

"Do not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics. I can assure you mine are still greater." (Albert Einstein)

"The reason that your friends and ours cannot understand mathematics is not because they have no head for figures, but because they are unable to achieve the degree of concentration required to follow a moderately involved sequence of inferences." (Gale and Shapley)

"If people do not believe that mathematics is simple, it is only because they do not realize how complicated life is." (John von Neumann)

"There are two ways to do great mathematics. The first is to be smarter than everybody else. The second way is to be stupider than everybody else -- but persistent." (Raoul Bott)

"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax." (Albert Einstein)

"There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't." (Nerdy Joke)

"Halloween is really the same as Christmas because OCT 31 = DEC 25." (Nerdy Joke)

"You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother." (Albert Einstein)

"Simple doesn't mean stupid. Thinking that it does, does." (Paul Krugman)

"Complicating the proof is fine... Complicating the solution is not." (Hugo Krawczyk)

"I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated." (Poul Anderson)

"Always code as if the guy who ends up maintaining your code will be a violent psychopath who knows where you live." (John Wood)

"Anyone can make the simple complicated. Creativity is making the complicated simple." (Charles Mingus)

"The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources." (Albert Einstain)

"You can't just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood. What mood is that? Last-minute panic." (Bill Waterson)

"Inspiration is for amateurs - the rest of us just show up and get to work." (Chuck Close)

"The secret to productivity is getting dead people to do your work for you." (Robert J. Lang)

"One machine can do the work of fifty ordinary men. No machine can do the work of one extraordinary man." (Elbert Hubbard)

"If you tell me precisely what it is a machine cannot do, then I can always make a machine which will do just that." (John von Veumann)

"Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep." (Scott Adams)

"There is no abstract art. You must always start with something. Afterward you can remove all traces of reality." (Pablo Picasso)

"Abstract art is the product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered." (Al Capp)

"He lacked only one thing to make him a perfect genius: He failed to be incomprehensible." (Frobenius, about Euler)

"Education is the inculcation of the incomprehensible into the ignorant by the incompetent." (Josiah Stamp)

"The more original a discovery, the more obvious it seems afterwards." (Arthur Koestler)

"We know too much for one man to know too much." (Robert Oppenheimer)

"I am not young enough to know everything." (Oscar Wilde)

"Youth is wasted on the young." (George Bernard Shaw)

"Meetings: None of Us Is as Dumb as All of Us." (Despair Inc.)

"I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid." (Unknown)

"If everybody loves you, something is wrong. Find at least one enemy to keep you alert." (Paulo Coelho)

"If people like then you are good. If people hate you then you are the best." (Magen-David Arany)

"Everybody hates me because I'm so universally liked." (Peter de Vries)

"No one goes there nowadays, it's too crowded." (Yogi Berra)

"Nothing can be so amusingly arrogant as a young man who has just discovered an old idea and thinks it is his own." (Sidney J. Harris)

"Once you prove something, it becomes trivial." (Manuel Blum)

"This paper gives wrong solutions to trivial problems. The basic error, however, is not new." (Clifford Truesdell, Mathematical Reviews)

"I'm willing to admit that I may not always be right, but I am never wrong." (Sam Goldwyn)

"My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right." (Ashleigh Brilliant)

"Everyone is entitled to his own opinion, but not his own facts." (Daniel Patrick Moynihan)

"Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever." (Mahatma Gandhi)

"Live each day as if it were your last... Because one day it will be." (Jeremy Schwartz)

"Death is not the end. There remains the litigation over the estate." (Ambrose Bierce)

"Life is like a coin. You can spend it any way you wish, but you can only spend it once." (Lillian Dickson)

"Once: Enough." (Ambrose Bierce)

"If at first you don't succeed... So much for skydiving." (Henry Youngman)

"Life is too short to be busy." (Tim Kreider)

"We live too short to drink lousy wine." (Tuntematon)

"Wine makes a man more pleased with himself; I do not say that it makes him more pleasing to others." (Samuel Johnson)

"Charm is the quality in others that makes us more satisfied with ourselves." (Henri-Frederic Amiel)

"Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious." (Peter Ustinov)

"Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it." (E.B. White)

"One can write bogus sentences just for the purpose of having fun." (Ivan Visconti)

"Seriousness is the only refuge of the shallow." (Oscar Wilde)

"It is only shallow people who do not judge by appearances." (Oscar Wilde)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time in reading it." (Moses Hadas)

"Time you enjoy wasting is never a waste of time." (Bertrand Russell)

"You never want a serious crisis to go to waste." (Rahm Emanuel, White House Chief of Staff)

"People who have time on their hands will inevitably waste the time of people who have work to do." (Thomas Sowell)

"It has been my observation that most people get ahead during the time that others waste." (Henry Ford)

"The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse time." (Merrick Furst)

"Lost time is never found again." (Benjamin Franklin)

"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there." (Will Rogers)

"I like work, it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours." (Jerome K. Jerome)

"I have been on a diet for two weeks and all I have lost is two weeks." (Totie Fields)

"Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels." (Kate Moss)

"The first law of dietetics seems to be: if it tastes good, it's bad for you." (Isaac Asimov)

"No man needs a vacation so much as the man who has just had one." (Elbert Hubbard)

"I hate vacations. There's nothing to do." (David Mamet)

"Vacation is what you take when you can't take what you've been taking any longer." (The Lion)

"Vacation: When you spend thousands of dollars to see what rain looks like in different parts of the world." (Robert Orben)

"Monotony collapses time; novelty unfolds it." (Joshua Foer)

"The person who has lived the most is not the one who has lived the longest, but the one with the richest experiences." (Jean-Jacques Rousseau)

"Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon." (Susan Ertz)

"When you finally go back to your old hometown, you find it wasn't the old home you missed but your childhood." (Sam Ewing)

"The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once." (H.V. Prochnow)

"Always tell the truth - it's the easiest thing to remember." (David Mamet)

"If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything." (Mark Twain)

"The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way." (Samuel Butler)

"If you want to tell people the truth, you’d better make them laugh or they’ll kill you." (George Bernard Shaw)

"Forgiving is forgetting, in spite of remembering." (Hammarskjold)

"I may not remember, but I never forget." (Jane Stanton)

"Fanaticism consists of redoubling your efforts when you have forgotten your aim." (George Santayana)

"Why do you drink so much?" --- "I drink to forget."
"Forget what?" --- "I don't know. I forgot that a long time ago." (Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin)

"Don't drink to feel better. Drink to feel even better." (Reese Witherspoon)

"If I were your wife I would put poison in your coffee!"
"And if I were your husband I would drink it." (Nancy Astor and Winston Churchill)

"Everyone always has a reason for why they are late; but only one reason matters: it's that their word is no good." (Cormac McCarthy, rephrased)

"I write down everything I want to remember. That way, instead of spending a lot of time trying to remember what it is I wrote down, I spend the time looking for the paper I wrote it down on." (Beryl Pfizer)

"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it is written on." (Samuel Goldwyn)

"Promise: a verbal contract not to be re-negotiated, even in light of favorably changed circumstances." (Yevgeniy Dodis)

"Trust, but verify." (Ronald Reagan)

"Trust is good, but control is better." (Vladimir Lenin)

"If you can't convince them, confuse them." (Harry S. Truman)

"If you cannot amaze people with your intelligence... confuse them with your bullshit!" (Unknown)

"If I look confused it's because I'm thinking." (Sam Goldwyn)

"A man is not idle because he is absorbed in thought." (Victor Hugo)

"Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm." (Winston Churchill)

"Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal." (Henry Ford)

"Ability will never catch up with the demand for it." (Malcolm Forbes)

"Ability to respond will never catch up with the amount of email demanding it." (Yevgeniy Dodis)

"Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new." (Albert Einstein)

"The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' (I found it!) but 'That's funny ...'" (Isaac Asimov)

"True self discovery begins where your comfort zone ends." (Adam Braun)

"No one who cannot rejoice in the discovery of his own mistakes deserves to be called a scholar." (Donald Foster)

"To err is human; to make real mess, you need a computer." (Unknown)

"A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools." (Douglas Adams)

"Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature." (Rich Kulawiec)

"You don't get anything clean without getting something else dirty." (Cecil Baxter)

"Even a mistake may turn out to be the one thing necessary to a worthwhile achievement." (Henry Ford)

"Only the mediocre are always at their best." (Jean Giraudoux)

"Don't be afraid it won't be perfect, be afraid that it won't be." (Dean Jones, rephrased)

"Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd be out of a job." (Unknown)

"Progress isn't made by early risers. It's made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something." (Robert Heinlein)

"Laziness: a skill of convincing oneself that everything seems under control." (Yevgeniy Dodis)

"If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough." (Mario Andretti)

"It's only weird if it doesn't work." (Bud Light)

"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." (Thomas Edison)

"Never take no from somebody who cannot say yes." (Adam Braun)

"Problems worthy of attack prove their worth by hitting back." (Piet Hein)

"The greatest challenge to any thinker is stating the problem in a way that will allow a solution." (Bertrand Russell)

"Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently." (Henry Ford)

"It is better to have tried and failed than to have failed to try..." (Mike Dennison)

"It is better to have tried and failed than to have failed to try, but the result's the same." (Mike Dennison)

"Failing to try is not the same as trying to fail... Sometimes, the latter might fail." (Yevgeniy Dodis)

"Advice to writers: Sometimes you just have to stop writing. Even before you begin." (Stanislaw J. Lec)

"Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is: never try." (Homer Simpson)

"Trying is the first step torwards failure." (Homer Simpson)

"The most important failure is one of imagination." (9/11 report)

"Imagination governs the world." (Napoleon)

"Imagination is a quality given to man to compensate for what he is not, and a sense of humor is provided to console him from what he is." (Oscar Wilde)

"Nobody believes the official spokesman... but everybody trusts an unidentified source." (Ron Nesen)

"Quotation: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another." (Ambrose Bierce)

"The difference between gossip and news is whether you hear it or tell it." (Anonymous)

"A goal is a dream with a deadline." (Napoleon Hill)

"Action is the last refuge of those who cannot dream." (Oscar Wilde)

"Furious activity is no substitute for understanding." (H. Williams)

"Sometimes the mind, for reasons we don't necessarily understand, just decides to go to the store for a quart of milk." (Diane Frolov and Andrew Schneider)

"We can have facts without thinking but we cannot have thinking without facts." (John Dewey)

"Communication without words is much more valuable than words without communication." (Kathryn Eberle Wildgen; rephrased)

"Vision without action is a daydream. Action without vision is a nightmare." (Japanese Proverb)

"Vision is not seeing things as they are, but as they will be." (Gil T. Figaro)

"Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds that you plant." (Robert Louis Stevenson)

"You can't build a reputation on what you are going to do." (Henry Ford)

"It's never too late to start planning for the future." (Unknown)

"Future: That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured." (Ambrose Bierce)

"Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you." (Fran Lebowitz)

"I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life." (George Burns)

"I never think of the future. It comes soon enough." (Albert Einstein)

"If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans." (Woody Allen)

"Our destiny is frequently met in the very paths we take to avoid it." (Jean de La Fontaine)

"The trouble with weather forecasting is that it's right too often for us to ignore it and wrong too often for us to rely on it." (Patrick Young)

"Those who have knowledge, don't predict. Those who predict, don't have knowledge." (Lao-tzu)

"The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable." (John Kenneth Galbraith)

"An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen." (Earl Wilson)

"Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday." (Dale Carnegie)

"Don't postpone till tomorrow what can be done today." (Russian Proverb)

"... procrastinate now, don't put it off." (Ellen DeGeneres)

"There is no task so urgent that it cannot be made yet more urgent by postponing it until tomorrow." (Anthony Ralson)

"It is no good to continue blaming yourself. Blame yourself once and move on." (Bart Simpson)

"I have no desire to suffer twice, in reality and then in retrospect." (Sophocles)

"Don't find fault, find a remedy." (Henry Ford)

"Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional." (M. Kathleen Casey)

"One death is a tragedy, but a million deaths are merely a statistic." (Joseph Stalin)

"War doesn't determine who's right - only who's left." (Bertrand Russell)

"Conquer, but don't triumph." (Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach)

"Where there is no patrol car, there is no speed limit." (Peter Beckmann)

"Quality means doing it right when no one is looking." (Henry Ford)

"A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation." (Saki)

"Pedigree matters: if you break your shoulder trying to open a door, it's much harder to play the game once you get in the room." (Audra)

"A smart person knows all the rules so he can break them wisely." (Lubna Azmi)

"Locks keep honest people honest; criminals will still find their way in"! (Unknown)

"Criminal: a humble artist always willing to sacrifice his fame for his freedom." (Yevgeniy Dodis)

"Lawyer: One skilled in circumvention of the law." (Ambrose Bierce)

"We scare because we care." (Monster's Inc.)

"Juries scare me. I don't want to put my faith in 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty." (Monica Piper)

"One of the hardest things to imagine is that you are not smarter than average." (Jonathan Fuerbringer)

"Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think." (Ambrose Bierce)

"Building a better mousetrap merely results in smarter mice." (Charles Darwin)

"We all admire the wisdom of people who come to us for advice." (Jack Herbert)

"Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves." (Ambrose Bierce)

"(If) You can't tell it to me in one sentence, they can't put it in TV Guide." (David Mamet)

"You can tell whether a man is clever by his answers. You can tell whether a man is wise by his questions." (Naguib Mahfouz)

"Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something." (Plato)

"The secret of being a bore is to tell everything." (Voltaire)

"A bore is a man who deprives you of solitude without providing you with company." (Gian Vincenzo Gravina)

"Bore: A person who talks when you wish him to listen." (Ambrose Bierce)

"It is a common delusion that you make things better by talking about them." (Dame Rose Macaulay)

"The first human who hurled an insult instead of a stone was the founder of civilization." (Sigmund Freud)

"Give me six lines written by the most honorable of men, and I will find an excuse in them to hang him." (Cardinal Richelieu)

"The quality of an excuse is inversely proportional to the number of times it's been used." (Yevgeniy Dodis)

"If I'd had more time, I would have written a shorter letter." (T.S. Eliot)

"No word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause." (Mark Twain)

"It's only words... unless they're true." (David Mamet)

"It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt." (Mark Twain)

"Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish." (Euripides)

"Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise man to be able to sell it." (Samuel Butler)

"Who's more foolish, the fool or the fool who follows him?" (Obi-Wan Kenobi)

"Who's the bigger idiot, the idiot or the idiot who gets fooled by the idiot?" (Woodie Allen, rephrased)

"An idiot with a computer is a faster, better idiot." (Rich Julius)

"People fear computers becoming smarter and taking over the world, but currently computers are not very smart and they already have taken over the world!" (Pedro Domingos)

"Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped." (Elbert Hubbard)

"What is the difference between genius and stupidity? Genius has limits." (Albert Einstein)

"What is the similarity between genius and stupidity? Neither can conceal its presence." (Yevgeniy Dodis)

"Talent is doing easily what others find difficult. Genius is doing easily what others find impossible." (unknown; from William Dunham)

"Crash programs fail because they are based on the theory that, with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month." (Wernher von Braun)

"I am looking for a lot of men who have an infinite capacity to not know what can't be done." (Henry Ford)

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." (Albert Einstein)

"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler." (Albert Einstein)

"There is always an easy solution to every human problem: neat, plausible, and wrong." (H. L. Mencken)

"The great tragedy of Science - the slaying of a beautiful hypothesis by an ugly fact." (Thomas H. Huxley)

"The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair." (Douglas Adams)

"All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you can't t get them together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do not use a hammer." (IBM Manual, 1925)

"The unavoidable price of reliability is simplicity." (C.A.R. Hoare)

"... when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth." (Sir Arthur Conan Doyle)

"The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple." (Oscar Wilde)

"One must not put a loaded rifle on the stage, if no one is thinking of firing it." (Anton Chekhov)

"Moral victory: part of a sentence preceeding the word 'but'." (Yevgeniy Dodis)

"Reality: part of a sentence following the word 'but'." (Yevgeniy Dodis)

"The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense." (Tom Clancy)

"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane." (Philip K. Dick)

"People may or may not say what they mean... but they always say something designed to get what they want." (David Mamet)

"We don't see things as they are, we see things as we are." (Anais Nin)

"Thise who dance are considered mad by those who cannot hear the music." (Geirge Carlin)

"Absurdity: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion." (Ambrose Bierce)

"Stubborness is believing in yourself when nobody else does." (Silvio Micali)

"The problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts." (Bertrand Russell)

"We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!" (Douglas Adams)

"If you have no doubt in what you are about to do, you are not pushing yourself hard enough." (Silvio Micali)

"Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd." (Voltaire)

"Good advice is always certain to be ignored, but that's no reason not to give it." (Agatha Christie)

"People say they love truth, but in reality they want to believe that which they love is true." (Robert J. Ringer)

"Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love." (Albert Einstein)

"Loving somebody only matters to you. It's what you do to the people you love, that's what matters." (Tom Wilkinson, rephrased)

"One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry." (Oscar Wilde)

"I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced, so they won't think something's wrong with me." (Unknown)

"Don't marry a woman you can live with, marry the one you can't live without." (Mikhail Zhvanetskiy)

"It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married." (Robert Frost)

"My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher." (Socrates)

"Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too." (H. L. Mencken)

"Men always want to be a woman's first love. Women like to be a man's last romance." (Oscar Wilde)

"Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters." (unknown)

"A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does." (Unknown)

"When a man is single, he's incomplete. When he's married, he's finished." (Unknown)

"A real woman can do it by herself... But a real man won't let her." (Unknown)

"Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her, or she'll take it anyway." (Joey Adams)

"If love does not know how to give and take without restrictions, it is not love, but a transaction that never fails to lay stress on a plus and a minus." (Emma Goldman)

"Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up." (Ogden Nash, advice to husbands)

"Never say 'I was wrong'. Instead, say 'Huh, what an interesting turn of events!'" (anonymous advice to wives)

"I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. First, let her think she's having her own way. And second, let her have it." (Lyndon B. Johnson)

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." (Groucho Marx)

"They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning." (Clint Eastwood)

"Any home can be a castle if the King and Queen are in love" (Vinyl Wall Decal)

"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell." (Joan Crawford)

"Men are like parking places. The good ones are taken, and the ones available are usually handicapped." (Nerdy Joke)

"My gosh this is a place with lots of strange people around... but I feel very comfortable here, so I must be one of them." (Paul Garabedian)

"You must be odd to be number one." (Unknown Geek)

"What are the odds of finding a bachelor mathematician? The odds are good, but the goods are odd." (Nerdy Joke)

"Beauty: The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband." (Ambrose Bierce)

"When a man marries his mistress, he creates a job opening." (Maureen Dowd)

"Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder." (Ambrose Bierce)

"Jealous: Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping." (Ambrose Bierce)

"I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife." (Ilie Nastase)

"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest." (Irwin Corey)

"Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts." (Jeff Foxworthy)

"Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper." (Scottish Proverb)

"An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her." (Agatha Christie)

"Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter." (Mark Twain)

"Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful." (Unknown)

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye." (Miss Piggy)

"Style is when they're running you out of town and you make it look like you're leading the parade." (William Battie)

"I think on-stage nudity is disgusting, shameful and damaging to all things American. But if I were 22 with a great body, it would be artistic, tasteful, patriotic and a progressive religious experience." (Shelley Winters)

"I'm a personality as well as an actress. Show me an actress who isn't a personality, and you'll show me a woman who isn't a star." (Katharine Hepburn)

"Acting is a nice childish profession - pretending you're someone else and at the same time selling yourself." (Katharine Hepburn)

"Privacy is effective ability to misrepresent yourself." (Dan Geer)

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." (Dr. Seuss)

"When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other." (Eric Hoffer)

"If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?" (Steven Wright)

"If my critics saw me walking over the Thames they would say it was because I couldn't swim." (Margaret Thatcher)

"You laugh at me because I'm different, but I laugh at you because you're all the same." (Unknown)

"In order to be irreplaceable one must always be different." (Coco Chanel)

"It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society." (Krishnamurti)

"Nature never deceives us; it is we who deceive ourselves." (Jean-Jacques Rousseau)

"There is no sense being precise when you don't even know what you are talking about." (John von Neumann)

"Finer score granularity gives the appearance of precision at the expense of accuracy." (Michael Mitzenmacher, rephrased)

"Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts." (Albert Einstein)

"If you have an apple and I have an apple and we exchange apples then you and I will still each have one apple. But if you have an idea and I have an idea and we exchange these ideas, then each of us will have two ideas." (George Bernard Shaw)

"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." (George Bernard Shaw)

"A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything but the value of nothing." (Oscar Wilde)

"Cynic: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be." (Ambrose Bierce)

"The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised." (George F. Will)

"There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more." (Woody Allen)

"An optimist believes we live in the best of all possible worlds; a pessimist fears this is true." (Unknown)

"Optimist: A proponent of the doctrine that black is white." (Ambrose Bierce)

"Optimism: The doctrine, or belief, that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, everything good, especially the bad, and everything right that is wrong." (Ambrose Bierce)

"A key to resolving any conflict is to identify a common goal." (Anna Karpman)

"Compromise: unity in goal triggering unity in approach". (Anna Karpman)

"Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong." (Oscar Wilde)

"Committee: a group of men who individually can do nothing but, as a group, decide that nothing can be done." (Fred Allen)

"A committee can make a decision that is dumber than any of its members." (David Coblitz)

"When a measure becomes a target, it ceases to be a good measure." (Charles Goodhart)

"I wouldn't want to be a part of any club that would have me as a member." (Groucho Marx)

"Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes." (Oscar Wilde)

"Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterwards." (Vernon Sanders Law)

"Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment." (Barry LePatner)

"Star: a person lacking experience at each state of his or her career." (Yevgeniy Dodis, rephrasing Audrey Hepburn)

"In times of rapid change, experience could be your worst enemy." (Jean Paul Getty)

"Learning from experience is a faculty almost never practiced." (Barbara Tuchman)

"Knowledge does not take place." (Spanish Proverb)

"If you're not willing to learn, no one can help you. If you're determined to learn, no one can stop you." (Unknown)

"Intelligence appears to be the thing that enables a man to get along without education. Education enables a man to get along without the use of his intelligence." (Albert Edward Wiggam)

"A man who has never gone to school may steal from a freight car; but if he has a university education he may steal the whole railroad." (Theodore Roosevelt)

"I have never let my schooling interfere with my education." (Mark Twain)

"Education is a succession of eye-openers each involving the repudiation of some previously held belief." (George Bernard Shaw)

"Education has produced a vast population able to read but unable to distinguish what is worth reading." (G. M. Trevelyan)

"Education is a progressive discovery of our ignorance." (Will Durant)

"Education is one of the few things a person is willing to pay for and not get." (William Lowe Bryan)

"Education seems to be the only commodity of which the customer tries to get as little as he can for his money." (Max Forman)

"Education is hanging around until you've caught on." (Robert Frost)

"Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater." (Gail Godwin)

"The best way to learn is to teach." (Frank Oppenheimer)

"Learning this material was so painful, that not to teach it would be a crime." (Yevgeniy Dodis)

"Boredom will always remain the greatest enemy of school disciplines." (Fritz Redl)

"Against logic there is no armor like ignorance." (Laurence J. Peter)

"All you need in life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure." (Mark Twain)

"Success is like reaching an important birthday and finding you're exactly the same." (Audrey Hepburn)

"Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times." (Mark Twain)

"I can resist anything but temptation." (Oscar Wilde)

"I have the simplest of tastes. I am always satisfied with the best." (Oscar Wilde)

"To be content with little is hard; to be content with much, impossible." (Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach)

"One should always play fairly when one has the winning cards." (Oscar Wilde)

"Good teams don't win close games. They avoid them." (Michael Smith)

"Your coolness is not measured by how freqeuntly you win but by how gracefully you lose." (Anna Lysyanskaya)

"You cannot have too much grace or you would not be able to walk." (Mister Pitt)

"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it." (Bob Hope)

"When you owe the bank $1,000 and you're broke, you have a problem. When you owe the bank $1,000,000 and you're broke, the BANK has a problem." (Unknown)

"The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work." (Richard Bach)

"Find out what you like doing best and get someone to pay you for doing it." (Katherine Whitehor)

"Your salary is the bribe they give you to forget your dreams" (George Clooney, rephrased)

"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons." (Woody Allen)

"Behind every great fortune there is a crime." (Honore de Balzac)

"Capital punishment is as fundamentally wrong as a cure for crime as charity is wrong as a cure for poverty." (Henry Ford)

"If poor people can vote, one of the main things they vote for is to redistribute money to themselves." (Scott Aaronson)

"The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all of your time." (Willem de Kooning)

"You give your children enough money to do something, but not enough to do nothing." (George Clooney)

"The easiest way for your children to learn about money is for you not to have any." (Katharine Whitehorn)

"All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy." (Spike Milligan)

"Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which millionaires tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth." (Rex Stout)

"If a problem can be solved with money, then it's not a problem, but an expense." (Michael Fox-Rabinovitz)

"You aren't wealthy until you have something money can't buy." (Garth Brooks)

"A business that makes nothing but money is a poor business." (Henry Ford)

"Spare no expense to make everything as economical as possible." (Sam Goldwyn)

"To be without some of the things you want is an indispensable part of happiness." (Bertrand Russell)

"Chop your own wood, and it will warm you twice." (Henry Ford)

"The cheap man pays twice." (Russian Proverb)

"I expected nothing... and I got it in abundance." (Oded Goldreich, about students' lecture motes)

"You will never understand bureaucracies until you understand that for bureaucrats procedure is everything and outcomes are nothing." (Thomas Sowell)

"Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing." (Albert Einstein)

"If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the best that you can call him is an underachiever." (Woody Allen, rephrased)

"Operationally, God is beginning to resemble not a ruler but the last fading smile of a cosmic Cheshire cat." (Sir Julian Huxley)

"I don't know if God exists, but it would be better for His reputation if He didn't." (Jules Renard)

"Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored." (Aldous Huxley)

"Illusions do not become real no matter how hard you look at them." (Paulo Barreto)

"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." (Kurt Vonnegut)

"A myth is a religion in which no one any longer believes." (James Feibleman)

"Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich." (Napoleon)

"The price of freedom of religion, or of speech, or of the press, is that we must put up with a good deal of rubbish." (Robert Jackson)

"The speech might be free, but the bail costs money." (Earnest)

"Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half the time." (E. B. White)

"Democracy: false fact that `my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge'." (Isaac Asimov, slightly restated)

"Vote: The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country." (Ambrose Bierce)

"The people who cast the votes decide nothing. The people who count the votes decide everything." (Joseph Stalin)

"Whenever you have an efficient government you have a dictatorship." (Harry S Truman)

"You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist." (Indira Gandhi)

"Policemen so cherish their status as keepers of the peace and protectors of the public that they have occasionally been known to beat to death those citizens or groups who question that status." (David Mamet)

"The most radical revolutionary will become a conservative the day after the revolution." (Hannah Arendt)

"So this is how liberty dies. With thunderous applause." (George Lucas)

"It is true that liberty is precious - so precious that it must be rationed." (Vladimir Lenin)

"The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions." (Alfred Adler)

"It's not brave if you do not know the consequences." (Charanjit Jutla)

"A timid person is frightened before a danger, a coward during the time, and a courageous person afterward." (Jean Paul Richter)

"Ghost: The outward and visible sign of an inward fear." (Ambrose Bierce)

"Power does not corrupt. Fear corrupts... perhaps the fear of a loss of power." (John Steinbeck)

"The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who in time of great moral crises maintain their neutrality." (Dante Alighieri)

"Fortune does not change men, it unmasks them." (Suzanne Necker)

"The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money." (Mark Twain)

"Acquaintance: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to." (Ambrose Bierce)

"Friendship: A ship big enough to carry two in fair weather, but only one in foul." (Ambrose Bierce)

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend." (William Blake)

"Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else." (Will Rogers)

"You see a person's true colors when you are no longer beneficial to their life..." (Jerose)

"In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends." (Martin Luther King Jr.)

"Every society honors its live conformists and its dead troublemakers." (Mignon McLauglin)

"Human history is the sad result of each one looking out for himself." (Julio Cortazar)

"History will be kind to me for I intend to write it." (Sir Winston Churchill)

"The only person you are destined to become is the person you decided to be." (Emerson)

"Craft the life you would be most proud to live." (Adam Braun)

"Speak the language of the person you seek to become." (Adam Braun)

"The more I study religions the more I am convinced that man never worshipped anything but himself." (Sir Richard Francis Burton)

"Humility does not mean you think less of yourself. It means you think of yourself less." (Ken Blanchard)

"Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves." (Carl Jung)

"Men are not against you; they are merely for themselves." (Gene Fowler)

"Egotist: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me." (Ambrose Bierce)

"The universe is not required to be in perfect harmony with human ambition." (Carl Sagan)

"Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambition." (Mark Twain)

"An honest politician is one who when he's bought, stays bought." (Simon Cameron)

"In politics stupidity is not a handicap." (Napoleon)

"To rely upon conviction, devotion, and other excellent spiritual qualities--that is not to be taken seriously in politics." (Vladimir Lenin)

"The first lesson of economics is scarcity: There is never enough of anything to satisfy all those who want it. The first lesson of politics is to disregard the first lesson of economics." (Thomas Sowell)

"Politics: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles." (Ambrose Bierce)

"Politics: The conduct of public affairs for private advantage." (Ambrose Bierce)

"Patriotism is the willingness to kill and be killed for trivial reasons." (Bertrand Russell)

"Patriotism is the conviction that your country is superior to all others because you were born in it." (George Bernard Shaw)

"Diplomacy: The patriotic art of lying for one's country." (Ambrose Bierce)

"In archaeology you uncover the unknown. In diplomacy you cover the known." (Thomas Pickering)

"He knows nothing; and he thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career." (George Bernard Shaw)

"If you are not criticized, you may not be doing much." (Donald H. Rumsfeld)

"It is much easier to be critical than correct." (Benjamin Disraeli)

"To avoid criticism do nothing, say nothing, be nothing." (Elbert Hubbard)

"Doing nothing can really take you places." (slogan of AA miles card)

"There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it." (Mary Wilson Little)

"Lukewarm: feeling reluctant to either hire or fire the same person." (Yevgeniy Dodis, rephrasing Ilya Mironov)

"In looking for people to hire, you look for three qualities: integrity, intelligence, and energy. And if they don't have the first, the other two will kill you." (Warren Buffet)

"The definition of a consultant: Someone who borrows your watch, tells you the time and then charges you for the privilege." (Tuntematon)

"If you want something done, ask a busy person to do it." (Lucille Ball)

"It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit." (Harry S. Truman)

"Collaboration always wins over competition... and is more fun, too." (Silvio Micali)

"Businesses don't want tuna with good taste; they want tuna that tastes good." (Starkist ad, rephrased)

"It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog." (Mark Twain)

"If you think something small can't make a difference, try going to sleep with a mosquito in the room." (Unknown)

"Nothing is particularly hard if you divide it into small jobs." (Henry Ford)

"So much of what we call management consists in making it difficult for people to work." (Peter Drucker)

"The secret of managing is to keep the guys who hate you away from the guys who are undecided." (Casey Stengal)

"The most basic question is not what is best, but who shall decide what is best" (Thomas Sowell)

"Management is doing things right; leadership is doing the right things." (Peter Drucker)

"Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what's right." (Isaac Asimov)

"I hate television. I hate it as much as I hate peanuts. But I can't stop eating peanuts." (Orson Welles)

"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants." (A. Whitney Brown)

"Never eat more than you can lift." (Miss Piggy)

"The more you have of us, the smaller is your mass." (Cheese Holes)

"I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." (Gilda Radner)

"So soon as a fashion is universal, it is out of date." (Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach)

"Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months." (Oscar Wilde)

"Never get into fights with ugly people -- they have nothing to lose." (Unknown)

"Never argue with an idiot. They pull you down to their level, then beat you with experience." (Unknown)

"Always love your enemies -- nothing annoys them so much." (Oscar Wilde)

"You must not fight too often with one enemy, or you will teach him all your tricks of war." (Napoleon)

"Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamppost how it feels about dogs." (Christopher Hampton)

"Having smoking and non-smoking sections in the same room is like having urinating and non-urinating sections in a swimming pool." (Ross Parker)

"I love being a writer. What I can't stand is the paperwork." (Peter De Vries)

"Tact is the knack of making a point without making an enemy." (Isaac Newton)

"Politeness. The most acceptable hypocrisy." (Ambrose Bierce)

"The hard part about being a bartender is figuring out who is drunk and who is just stupid." (Richard Braunstein)

"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?" (George Carlin)

"Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity." (Unknown)

"There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot." (Steven Wright)

"Let's have some new cliches." (Sam Goldwyn)
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